Day 2

got Welcome back if u r still reading about the shit storm of my life. Its going to be a roller coaster with ups and downs all over the place for long time
Hopefully this blog will serve as a reminder of the pain when I have weak moments.


Alright first of all I want to acknowledge the love and support I received yesterday. I have said this before but I really do have the best family and friends ever. I couldn't have made it thru yesterday without them. Never underestimate what a simple I love you, you got this, I'm here if u need me text has on a person in a tough situation. It really did get me thru on of the hardest days.


The truth in my personal hell is right now I feel stuck in purgatory. There is just so much that is dependant on other things so there is no set plan, nothing has been decided and it is killing me. I am also starting to feel the loneliness. I've always said I'm fine being alone, and I think I will be but right now I'm lonely, and hurting and scared. That sounds so pitiful but I'm not holding back here so ya I guess I am pretty pitiful. I know I have my friends, and they are all there for me and love me and only want the best for me. And that is an amazing feeling but even with all that I'm still lonely. For the last 15 years, I've had someone to hold me when I cried, or hold me while I feel asleep if I was feeling scared or lonely or vulnerable. And now that person is the reason I feel those things, but dammit I miss him. I dont know think its him that I miss, but the thought of him, just the shoulder to cry on and make me feel safe and warm. He hasn't made me feel that way In so so long but while laying here alone in my bed I miss the concept. Got some news today that makes believe he has already moved on or is in the process of it. And I'm not handling it well. Not at all.


I have made some decisions while laying in bed last night. I do want to move on. I do want to give love another chance, I do want to believe my prince charming is out there somewhere. And I want S to be the person, but not if he decides I'm not what he wants. If I have to move on with someone else this time my standards are going to be lot higher and unmoved. I wont ever be second best, or someone's second choice ever again. I wont be a secret or a side piece for anyone. I am better than that. I deserve to feel important, loved, special and needed and if that isn't something I can get from a relationship I dont want it. I have my flaws trust me I know there are plenty of them but when I love I do it with my whole heart and invest everything I have into it. I give everything I have to the relationship and would move mountains for that person. And in my life I've only been in 3 serious relationships, and never been able to hold on to what I needed. I always backed off and let life happen and take over. I'll never do that again. I know once I get thru this fiasco I'll never go back to taking less than I deserve. Now that prolly means I will be single for a very long time and that's okay.


This post wasn't going to be about relationships, because I know the least healthy thing I can do is jump into something right now. The best thing I can do is just focus on my kids and getting out of the financial hole Im in, and put myself back together. I have some serious self esteem and depression issues I need to face head on and get worked out before I even think about a relationship because if I find someone that meets all my new criteria and wants me anyway they deserve me at my very best. My kids deserve a Mom that is at her very best as well.


So my plan for now is quit worrying about what I cant change, and focus on what I can. I can change me. I can change my situation and the way I feel and the way I see life. I'm going to be positive about my life. I'm going to look at things and see the good that can come from them, not the bad that might happen.




My life will be a complete and utter shit storm of craziness, pain, over the top emotions, bad decisions, and overall fucked upness for quite some time, but I will come thru I will persevere, and I will be a better, happier, more confident person at the end of it. After all I've lived my life for someone else's happiness for so long without investing anything in my own and that obviously didn't work out so well for me. So now I'm going to think about what makes me happy and what makes my kids happy and fuck the rest of it. I know I will have regrets, make stupid decisions, and generally just screw up a million times on my road to happiness but even though I may take the long scenic route to get there I will get there.






So to all of u reading this, thank you for your love and support. Thanks for seeing me at my worst and still hanging around. I will only get thru this because of the love, support, guidance and advice of my friends and family. I love you all.




But to the radio stations a big Fuck U to u bastards, why must u play every single damn song that has meaning for me. Some in a situation that I know what I want and what I need to do and they are not the same thing so dammit enough already with those songs. Cuz I know me and that situation and I know I'm going to make the decision that will end up hurting me in the end cuz that my track record with that situation. And the other situation that the songs are reminding me of the good times before the shit storm and Lord know I dont need that right now. I need he is an asshole u can do better songs. Please




Time to get up and face my day. Here I go again