So my personal hell has progressively gotten worse. Just as things are looking up on the marriage front, the rest of it all falls to pieces.
Work is all bullshit, retaliation type asshattery because I called HR with a complaint about my confidential information being told to an entire room of co workers. So now the Queen B's are flexing their bully muscles. Fuck em. I'm going to report this shit too.
And now the before mentioned family member who didn't have my back, is at it again. With my lack of car situation, I have been borrowing said persons vehicle on Saturdays and Sundays to do grocery shopping and to get to work and home Saturday night. Today she decided to wait until after 3, when all my co workers are all already in bed since we work 3rd shift and tell me I can't use said vehicle this weekend for groceries or to get to work. Knowing that if I call out tonight not only will I be short rent money but I will be fired.
So poor "S" is flipping out cuz he cant do anything to help or even be with me while I have a mini meltdown because of a bullshit no contact order. I figured out a way to work Im pretty sure, but even when she (said family member ) thought I was going to have to try and walk as much of the 22 miles to get there, and call a cab when I couldn't walk anymore she still insisted that she was to tired to take me. Seriously to tired at 3pm to drive me 5 miles to drop her off and let me take her vehicle at 11 o clock tonight. One fucking day Karma is going to bite her in the ass. And I'm going say sorry I'm to tired to give a fuck.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Friday, April 3, 2015
Day WTF ever it it Im to frustrated to even know right now.
Warning: whiny rant to follow.
So "S" is out of jail and the hospital but since I am the "victim" there is a no fucking contact clause. All this does is make me more of a fucking victim. All it does is leave me to handle everything on my own again. How the hell does that help me. Before everyone comments with the its a good law it's for safety shit, I get that I really do but each situation should be evaluated on its own. Domestic assault is not a cookie cutter offense. I have to worry about the bills, take care of the house, work every damn second of overtime I can and still handle all the kids stuff and all the house shit and taking care of everyone and because of one night I have 6 weeks of doing this on my own WTF. This rant was brought on because of my inability to operate a stupid drill. Because since the income I was expecting was about 140 dollars less then I expected I now have to send my new furniture and electronics back. I hate that my kid has to suffer because his parents dont have their shit together. And also have to figure out how the hell to feed a family of 4 for an entire week including at least 1 box of candy for the kids on Easter Sunday for less than 50.00. I seriously hate that I called the cops you better fucking believe I'll never do it again. Never again.
This Rant was brought to u by the letters F M and L and the numbers 4 and 1 as in the number of people I have to support on the amount of income to support 1.
So "S" is out of jail and the hospital but since I am the "victim" there is a no fucking contact clause. All this does is make me more of a fucking victim. All it does is leave me to handle everything on my own again. How the hell does that help me. Before everyone comments with the its a good law it's for safety shit, I get that I really do but each situation should be evaluated on its own. Domestic assault is not a cookie cutter offense. I have to worry about the bills, take care of the house, work every damn second of overtime I can and still handle all the kids stuff and all the house shit and taking care of everyone and because of one night I have 6 weeks of doing this on my own WTF. This rant was brought on because of my inability to operate a stupid drill. Because since the income I was expecting was about 140 dollars less then I expected I now have to send my new furniture and electronics back. I hate that my kid has to suffer because his parents dont have their shit together. And also have to figure out how the hell to feed a family of 4 for an entire week including at least 1 box of candy for the kids on Easter Sunday for less than 50.00. I seriously hate that I called the cops you better fucking believe I'll never do it again. Never again.
This Rant was brought to u by the letters F M and L and the numbers 4 and 1 as in the number of people I have to support on the amount of income to support 1.
Day 4 rejection train straight ahead.
So another shitty ass train crash day down only about 4 million more to go. Good noted "S" go released and is able to see the kids. They are ecstatic and I'm sure he is too. Bad news yesterday was a day full "sorry dont want ya chicky" for me. Topped off with my phone call with S at 1am on the way home from jail. But u know what its fucking fine, seriously I'm tired of being the one who tries and builds up the other person Where the fuck is that for me. I'm not chasing and begging anyone to be with me. If they want me great they will show it. If not fine fuck u too. I deserve a hell of alot better than what I allow myself to be okay with. I may not be skinniest, or prettiest but I am kind, caring, loyal to a fault and love with my whole heart. So if he wants to try and work it out I'm game but only if I get what I give out back. And if he doesn't and has moved on. Fuck it. I'm not begging I'm nobody's pity fuck.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
update Day 3
So seriously Fuck this day. Like completely just fucking burn and bury the bitch.
So we have a plan to get "S" out of jail but not until fucking midnight when I will be at work.
So ya. And he isn't allowed to see or talk to me or the kids until May fucking 12th. Are you freaking kidding me, that's missing Easter Sunday and our oldest daughters birthday, amd opening day for the other 2 with baseball. And leaving me with a whole lot of bills and stress and kid stuff and baseball practices. And Our oldest has her 8th grade prom the weekend of the 17th. Fuck this shit. I honestly cannot handle all that on my own and work as much as possible to keep the bills up. I miss my husband, I know I know. I know all the cliches I know all the rules but dammit I miss him. I just want to hug him one time especially now that I know I cant until the middle of May. That's 6 weeks of him living right down the street and not being able to see him. This is a hard lesson for both of us. Seriously fucking hard like Id rather cut my arm off because it is stuck under a rock. hard. I just wanna scream.
so FUCKING FUCK FUCK. Not the same but kinda therapeutic anyway. Gotta go to bed cuz I have to work and deal with some asshattery, douchebaggery, and just general assholeness. And have to ask the queen b's for a favor tonight so I can sneak off to talk to the person picking S up and make sure he is ok. I cant talk to him but I can talk to her. So guess Im off to dreamland if I can find it.........
...FML
.
So we have a plan to get "S" out of jail but not until fucking midnight when I will be at work.
So ya. And he isn't allowed to see or talk to me or the kids until May fucking 12th. Are you freaking kidding me, that's missing Easter Sunday and our oldest daughters birthday, amd opening day for the other 2 with baseball. And leaving me with a whole lot of bills and stress and kid stuff and baseball practices. And Our oldest has her 8th grade prom the weekend of the 17th. Fuck this shit. I honestly cannot handle all that on my own and work as much as possible to keep the bills up. I miss my husband, I know I know. I know all the cliches I know all the rules but dammit I miss him. I just want to hug him one time especially now that I know I cant until the middle of May. That's 6 weeks of him living right down the street and not being able to see him. This is a hard lesson for both of us. Seriously fucking hard like Id rather cut my arm off because it is stuck under a rock. hard. I just wanna scream.
so FUCKING FUCK FUCK. Not the same but kinda therapeutic anyway. Gotta go to bed cuz I have to work and deal with some asshattery, douchebaggery, and just general assholeness. And have to ask the queen b's for a favor tonight so I can sneak off to talk to the person picking S up and make sure he is ok. I cant talk to him but I can talk to her. So guess Im off to dreamland if I can find it.........
...FML
.
No fucking day of reckoning
So as I was getting all prettied up to go pick him up with a plan to work shit out I get a call that he has been arrested. The fucking county pressed charges. I cant do a damn thing about it I cant call or write or visit and neither can the kids until May fucking 12th. So because they see me as a victim now I have to deal with all the real shit storm stuff alone. I should have never called the cops. Fuck, fuck fuck FUCK. I am obviously losing it right now. More later when I get more news as of right now he doesn't even have a bond amount.
Day 2
got Welcome back if u r still reading about the shit storm of my life. Its going to be a roller coaster with ups and downs all over the place for long time
Hopefully this blog will serve as a reminder of the pain when I have weak moments.
Alright first of all I want to acknowledge the love and support I received yesterday. I have said this before but I really do have the best family and friends ever. I couldn't have made it thru yesterday without them. Never underestimate what a simple I love you, you got this, I'm here if u need me text has on a person in a tough situation. It really did get me thru on of the hardest days.
The truth in my personal hell is right now I feel stuck in purgatory. There is just so much that is dependant on other things so there is no set plan, nothing has been decided and it is killing me. I am also starting to feel the loneliness. I've always said I'm fine being alone, and I think I will be but right now I'm lonely, and hurting and scared. That sounds so pitiful but I'm not holding back here so ya I guess I am pretty pitiful. I know I have my friends, and they are all there for me and love me and only want the best for me. And that is an amazing feeling but even with all that I'm still lonely. For the last 15 years, I've had someone to hold me when I cried, or hold me while I feel asleep if I was feeling scared or lonely or vulnerable. And now that person is the reason I feel those things, but dammit I miss him. I dont know think its him that I miss, but the thought of him, just the shoulder to cry on and make me feel safe and warm. He hasn't made me feel that way In so so long but while laying here alone in my bed I miss the concept. Got some news today that makes believe he has already moved on or is in the process of it. And I'm not handling it well. Not at all.
I have made some decisions while laying in bed last night. I do want to move on. I do want to give love another chance, I do want to believe my prince charming is out there somewhere. And I want S to be the person, but not if he decides I'm not what he wants. If I have to move on with someone else this time my standards are going to be lot higher and unmoved. I wont ever be second best, or someone's second choice ever again. I wont be a secret or a side piece for anyone. I am better than that. I deserve to feel important, loved, special and needed and if that isn't something I can get from a relationship I dont want it. I have my flaws trust me I know there are plenty of them but when I love I do it with my whole heart and invest everything I have into it. I give everything I have to the relationship and would move mountains for that person. And in my life I've only been in 3 serious relationships, and never been able to hold on to what I needed. I always backed off and let life happen and take over. I'll never do that again. I know once I get thru this fiasco I'll never go back to taking less than I deserve. Now that prolly means I will be single for a very long time and that's okay.
This post wasn't going to be about relationships, because I know the least healthy thing I can do is jump into something right now. The best thing I can do is just focus on my kids and getting out of the financial hole Im in, and put myself back together. I have some serious self esteem and depression issues I need to face head on and get worked out before I even think about a relationship because if I find someone that meets all my new criteria and wants me anyway they deserve me at my very best. My kids deserve a Mom that is at her very best as well.
So my plan for now is quit worrying about what I cant change, and focus on what I can. I can change me. I can change my situation and the way I feel and the way I see life. I'm going to be positive about my life. I'm going to look at things and see the good that can come from them, not the bad that might happen.
My life will be a complete and utter shit storm of craziness, pain, over the top emotions, bad decisions, and overall fucked upness for quite some time, but I will come thru I will persevere, and I will be a better, happier, more confident person at the end of it. After all I've lived my life for someone else's happiness for so long without investing anything in my own and that obviously didn't work out so well for me. So now I'm going to think about what makes me happy and what makes my kids happy and fuck the rest of it. I know I will have regrets, make stupid decisions, and generally just screw up a million times on my road to happiness but even though I may take the long scenic route to get there I will get there.
So to all of u reading this, thank you for your love and support. Thanks for seeing me at my worst and still hanging around. I will only get thru this because of the love, support, guidance and advice of my friends and family. I love you all.
But to the radio stations a big Fuck U to u bastards, why must u play every single damn song that has meaning for me. Some in a situation that I know what I want and what I need to do and they are not the same thing so dammit enough already with those songs. Cuz I know me and that situation and I know I'm going to make the decision that will end up hurting me in the end cuz that my track record with that situation. And the other situation that the songs are reminding me of the good times before the shit storm and Lord know I dont need that right now. I need he is an asshole u can do better songs. Please
Time to get up and face my day. Here I go again
Hopefully this blog will serve as a reminder of the pain when I have weak moments.
Alright first of all I want to acknowledge the love and support I received yesterday. I have said this before but I really do have the best family and friends ever. I couldn't have made it thru yesterday without them. Never underestimate what a simple I love you, you got this, I'm here if u need me text has on a person in a tough situation. It really did get me thru on of the hardest days.
The truth in my personal hell is right now I feel stuck in purgatory. There is just so much that is dependant on other things so there is no set plan, nothing has been decided and it is killing me. I am also starting to feel the loneliness. I've always said I'm fine being alone, and I think I will be but right now I'm lonely, and hurting and scared. That sounds so pitiful but I'm not holding back here so ya I guess I am pretty pitiful. I know I have my friends, and they are all there for me and love me and only want the best for me. And that is an amazing feeling but even with all that I'm still lonely. For the last 15 years, I've had someone to hold me when I cried, or hold me while I feel asleep if I was feeling scared or lonely or vulnerable. And now that person is the reason I feel those things, but dammit I miss him. I dont know think its him that I miss, but the thought of him, just the shoulder to cry on and make me feel safe and warm. He hasn't made me feel that way In so so long but while laying here alone in my bed I miss the concept. Got some news today that makes believe he has already moved on or is in the process of it. And I'm not handling it well. Not at all.
I have made some decisions while laying in bed last night. I do want to move on. I do want to give love another chance, I do want to believe my prince charming is out there somewhere. And I want S to be the person, but not if he decides I'm not what he wants. If I have to move on with someone else this time my standards are going to be lot higher and unmoved. I wont ever be second best, or someone's second choice ever again. I wont be a secret or a side piece for anyone. I am better than that. I deserve to feel important, loved, special and needed and if that isn't something I can get from a relationship I dont want it. I have my flaws trust me I know there are plenty of them but when I love I do it with my whole heart and invest everything I have into it. I give everything I have to the relationship and would move mountains for that person. And in my life I've only been in 3 serious relationships, and never been able to hold on to what I needed. I always backed off and let life happen and take over. I'll never do that again. I know once I get thru this fiasco I'll never go back to taking less than I deserve. Now that prolly means I will be single for a very long time and that's okay.
This post wasn't going to be about relationships, because I know the least healthy thing I can do is jump into something right now. The best thing I can do is just focus on my kids and getting out of the financial hole Im in, and put myself back together. I have some serious self esteem and depression issues I need to face head on and get worked out before I even think about a relationship because if I find someone that meets all my new criteria and wants me anyway they deserve me at my very best. My kids deserve a Mom that is at her very best as well.
So my plan for now is quit worrying about what I cant change, and focus on what I can. I can change me. I can change my situation and the way I feel and the way I see life. I'm going to be positive about my life. I'm going to look at things and see the good that can come from them, not the bad that might happen.
My life will be a complete and utter shit storm of craziness, pain, over the top emotions, bad decisions, and overall fucked upness for quite some time, but I will come thru I will persevere, and I will be a better, happier, more confident person at the end of it. After all I've lived my life for someone else's happiness for so long without investing anything in my own and that obviously didn't work out so well for me. So now I'm going to think about what makes me happy and what makes my kids happy and fuck the rest of it. I know I will have regrets, make stupid decisions, and generally just screw up a million times on my road to happiness but even though I may take the long scenic route to get there I will get there.
So to all of u reading this, thank you for your love and support. Thanks for seeing me at my worst and still hanging around. I will only get thru this because of the love, support, guidance and advice of my friends and family. I love you all.
But to the radio stations a big Fuck U to u bastards, why must u play every single damn song that has meaning for me. Some in a situation that I know what I want and what I need to do and they are not the same thing so dammit enough already with those songs. Cuz I know me and that situation and I know I'm going to make the decision that will end up hurting me in the end cuz that my track record with that situation. And the other situation that the songs are reminding me of the good times before the shit storm and Lord know I dont need that right now. I need he is an asshole u can do better songs. Please
Time to get up and face my day. Here I go again
Day 3 The Day of Reckoning.
Well today's the day. "S" is being released today. There is a slight game plan and I'm thinking of offering to let him stay here until Sunday night to be with the kids thru Easter.
Is that a good idea? I doubt it. Is it a healthy decision ? Prolly not. Am I going to do it anyway? Ya most likely.
I am hoping to meet with the counselors and staff and get on board with any future appointments and follow ups. I know technically this isn't my place anymore but I've done it for 15 years and that's hard to step away from, besides making sure he gets all that set up will benefit my kids.
Its gonna be another hard one. Gonna need to do the co parenting plan and work out and agreement there. I am praying we can stay friends. Is that even possible with someone you have been married to for so long?
Now for the I want to throw something and break her nasty smug little face front. The building I work at is full of uneducated, unprofessional douche bags. Especially the entire management team. They have told the entire staff what is happening in my life and were so ready to fire me over it they had already taken my employee number off of important charts and reports. Fucking assholes. But the HR department redeemed my faith in the company and is handling the situation with dignity and most importantly confidentiality. All I have left to say on that matter is Karma is a raging lunatic bitch and she will get them.
Off to finish up the house and get prettied up for my meetings. I'm sure I will have updates and rants and whinyness as the day goes on. I'll be here to give u few readers of mine and update and a bit of lunacy later today.
Is that a good idea? I doubt it. Is it a healthy decision ? Prolly not. Am I going to do it anyway? Ya most likely.
I am hoping to meet with the counselors and staff and get on board with any future appointments and follow ups. I know technically this isn't my place anymore but I've done it for 15 years and that's hard to step away from, besides making sure he gets all that set up will benefit my kids.
Its gonna be another hard one. Gonna need to do the co parenting plan and work out and agreement there. I am praying we can stay friends. Is that even possible with someone you have been married to for so long?
Now for the I want to throw something and break her nasty smug little face front. The building I work at is full of uneducated, unprofessional douche bags. Especially the entire management team. They have told the entire staff what is happening in my life and were so ready to fire me over it they had already taken my employee number off of important charts and reports. Fucking assholes. But the HR department redeemed my faith in the company and is handling the situation with dignity and most importantly confidentiality. All I have left to say on that matter is Karma is a raging lunatic bitch and she will get them.
Off to finish up the house and get prettied up for my meetings. I'm sure I will have updates and rants and whinyness as the day goes on. I'll be here to give u few readers of mine and update and a bit of lunacy later today.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
and again with day 2
OKay I swear this will be the last post today and then I am taking my whiny ass to bed so I can work tonight. I do want to point out that this has already been therapeutic to me somewhere to be real and bitch and whine without judgement or ridicule or empty fucking promises
But that's life.
On a side note I did talk to S today twice and I caved like a bitch. Didn't stay strong did the love and miss you too thing. Uh. But I did stay strong in the u cant come home thing. He is getting released tomorrow and I did find him a safe and encouraging place to stay and did agree to him coming here to see the kids while I work. But I am scared our marriage is over, I know there has been to much hurt and to much pain to go back to normal. I just hope when he is face to face with me I will remember that and not just how lonely I am.
One day I hope to be able to look back on these posts and see what I have progressed from and realize how far out I made it. Hopefully that day comes sooner rather than later because this worried, broken heart, hate fueled bullshit is not somewhere I want to live.
Well I better get off to bed, have a lot on my mind hope I can get some sleep for tonight. Tomorrow is going to be another difficult one most likely one for the record books.
So if anyone is reading this I apologize for my inconsistencies and grammar issues. I am normally the grammar nazi but fuck it this is just therapy right.
But that's life.
On a side note I did talk to S today twice and I caved like a bitch. Didn't stay strong did the love and miss you too thing. Uh. But I did stay strong in the u cant come home thing. He is getting released tomorrow and I did find him a safe and encouraging place to stay and did agree to him coming here to see the kids while I work. But I am scared our marriage is over, I know there has been to much hurt and to much pain to go back to normal. I just hope when he is face to face with me I will remember that and not just how lonely I am.
One day I hope to be able to look back on these posts and see what I have progressed from and realize how far out I made it. Hopefully that day comes sooner rather than later because this worried, broken heart, hate fueled bullshit is not somewhere I want to live.
Well I better get off to bed, have a lot on my mind hope I can get some sleep for tonight. Tomorrow is going to be another difficult one most likely one for the record books.
So if anyone is reading this I apologize for my inconsistencies and grammar issues. I am normally the grammar nazi but fuck it this is just therapy right.
day 2 again
oh no I'm wavering.....I just had to pack S some clothes and broke down bawling when I got his shower bag together. WTH. Even wrote a note and put it in his bag and signed it with our version of I Love You.....We say No Matter What instead of Love u.
Dammit I know I'm making it harder on both of us. Why why why.
Hopefully I will get over this before he calls later to talk to the kids. I can't lead him on or let myself think there is still a chance. But im pretty sure he wants to be with someone else But why do I feel this way......
cuz as much shit as I talk I love him and I miss him terribly. Fuck.
Dammit I know I'm making it harder on both of us. Why why why.
Hopefully I will get over this before he calls later to talk to the kids. I can't lead him on or let myself think there is still a chance. But im pretty sure he wants to be with someone else But why do I feel this way......
cuz as much shit as I talk I love him and I miss him terribly. Fuck.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Here we go
Okay gotta start this blog with a disclaimer.....this is not for anyone under 18, no one easily offended, there will be lots of cussing and vulgarity. This blog is meant to be therapeutic for me, and maybe even help someone who is going thru the same thing. So there is going to be a lot of bitter honest truth because I've bitten my tongue and walked on eggshells for way to long. Here is ur chance to walk away...........
Well I guess since ur still reading u are either in my situation, super brave or just one of those people who cant look away from a train wreck.
A little back story, S and I have been married almost 15 years, and he has had manic highs and lows and rages the whole time. I didn't have a name for it until about 6 years ago. The reason for this blog now is he is out of control off his meds and has become violent and I've recently ( last night ) had to have him committed so he could get the help he needs.
So here is the seriousness of my personal hell I'm car less, I'm in a deep financial hole because most of his checks are garnished. I may have lost the job I have because I had to call out last night because I wasn't sure I could leave my kids home alone. I live 10 miles from the closest town so short of a dollar general and a gas station my options of things within walking distance is quite limited. My only family that lives close has taken his side and decided I'm not worth their time anymore and just a few minutes ago my oldest daughters school counselor called and said my daughter is cutting. That is an action her father started just a few weeks ago and during a rage told the kids about and blamed on me. So on my road out of hell I will be welcoming counselors, child protective services and the court system into my life. From what I've seen of these agencies nothing good can come from that. But I will get there, I will come out the other side with grace and dignity and will find a happiness in life that has eluded me for so long.
This blog is to give me a place to vent, a place to document my journey and to celebrate once in on the other side.
so welcome to my hell. I'm off to get ahold of domestic abuse agencies to see if I can get help to get to the court or sheriffs office to get a copy of the police report for work. This is going to be a completely fucked up day, and I'm sure u will hear from me again either tonight or tomorrow.
if you are in this situation or have been through it and have any advice for me please leave comments. I have no idea how to navigate this arena and who or where to turn to or there is even anyone to turn to.
Well I guess since ur still reading u are either in my situation, super brave or just one of those people who cant look away from a train wreck.
A little back story, S and I have been married almost 15 years, and he has had manic highs and lows and rages the whole time. I didn't have a name for it until about 6 years ago. The reason for this blog now is he is out of control off his meds and has become violent and I've recently ( last night ) had to have him committed so he could get the help he needs.
So here is the seriousness of my personal hell I'm car less, I'm in a deep financial hole because most of his checks are garnished. I may have lost the job I have because I had to call out last night because I wasn't sure I could leave my kids home alone. I live 10 miles from the closest town so short of a dollar general and a gas station my options of things within walking distance is quite limited. My only family that lives close has taken his side and decided I'm not worth their time anymore and just a few minutes ago my oldest daughters school counselor called and said my daughter is cutting. That is an action her father started just a few weeks ago and during a rage told the kids about and blamed on me. So on my road out of hell I will be welcoming counselors, child protective services and the court system into my life. From what I've seen of these agencies nothing good can come from that. But I will get there, I will come out the other side with grace and dignity and will find a happiness in life that has eluded me for so long.
This blog is to give me a place to vent, a place to document my journey and to celebrate once in on the other side.
so welcome to my hell. I'm off to get ahold of domestic abuse agencies to see if I can get help to get to the court or sheriffs office to get a copy of the police report for work. This is going to be a completely fucked up day, and I'm sure u will hear from me again either tonight or tomorrow.
if you are in this situation or have been through it and have any advice for me please leave comments. I have no idea how to navigate this arena and who or where to turn to or there is even anyone to turn to.
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